


my heart continues to beat

by doubtthestars



Category: Men's Football RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-15
Updated: 2020-07-15
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:07:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25276651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doubtthestars/pseuds/doubtthestars
Summary: Leon reminisces in the light of Leroy's transfer to Bayern.
Relationships: Leon Goretzka & Leroy Sané, Leon Goretzka & Max Meyer, Leon Goretzka/Joshua Kimmich, Leon Goretzka/Max Meyer(past)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 36





	my heart continues to beat

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ascience](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ascience/gifts).



> i am not here.  
> this is not real.  
> just an illusion brought on by nostalgia  
> and my damned ex-schalke boys feelings.
> 
> had the day to myself and had a promise to keep so this is the unfiltered result. Frauke wanted beefy Leon/Joshua and I took a wild detour.

There’s a buzz in the air.

It’s half due to the media mishap and the strange lapses of time between game days that are as far from normal as possible. Most of the team had known before then but it was a welcome change in the midst of all the new normal. Leon doesn’t get to greet him in the initial wave, getting in late after the heat had him tossing and turning all night. 

“No big schalker reunion photo op?” Joshua bumps his shoulder before moving in front of him to get in position to stretch. 

“I’m old news.” Leon murmurs before a general hush overtakes the group for drills. He’s only a year older than Leroy but he feels like he’s miles away from when he was the one causing the buzz in the hallways. Two seasons down and he’s just another name on the uniform. 

At least this one didn’t come with a crown too heavy to hold.

It’s strange to see Leroy out of his club blues or the national team white. Serge is following him around, chatting and making him laugh so he’s reluctant to interrupt, but he knows if he takes too much time, it’ll look like he’s snubbing him instead of avoiding a walking, talking piece of painful history. Leon has had enough time to be able to see Ralf and his former team on the field but Leroy-

With Leroy comes Max, and Max is a slow-closing wound, a stubborn splinter in his heart.

“Hey,” Leon tries to disguise his nerves with slowly drawn breaths, like he’s pushing past pain in the gym.

“Well hey, big guy, you look good.” Leroy scoots in for a hug but Serge elbows him jokingly.

“Not too close,” They grin and laugh but Leon locks eyes with Serge in gratitude. 

Jo ambles over with Thomas and Leon can almost pretend it’s just a normal huddle anywhere in the world. They’ve done it enough times, with someone usually injured and out of the friendly or match, headphones and cellphones out, talking about anything and everything to keep their minds occupied.

Someone mentions Pep and it devolves into premier league gossip that Leroy can’t confirm or deny but he doesn’t seem too broken up about leaving England behind, taking the ribbing with a smile. 

Leon thinks maybe he isn’t the only one who’s changed with the time away. 

“Dinner tonight?” Jo doesn’t really ask because it’s not a question, even though he’ll inevitably comment on Leon’s inability to buy matching furniture and give him the third degree over his decorating choices, which boiled down to furnishing the rooms he uses and nothing else.

“It’s going to be vegan,” Leon mentally reviews what he has in his kitchen. 

Jo snorts like he didn’t expect anything else.

“You have to stop getting food advice from Lewy. I think you’ve forgotten what real cheese tastes like. Cheese, Leon, do you remember it.” Jo mourns the tragedy of his taste buds and it brings the smile to his face that’s been alluding him all morning. 

Thomas is still jabbering along when Leon remembers there’s more outside of the bubble that encompassed him and Jo but it fully dissipates when he catches Leroy watching them.

They break apart to run and Leon forgets to bring it up, to clarify before Leroy makes up his own mind. 

“Is this another Schalke thing?” Jo asks, arms around him and generally being a  
nuisance while Leon rinses out their cups. He chokes a little on his own saliva. Jo operates on the belief that Schalke breeds misfortune on its players and emotionally stunts them into operating a secret manpain club that no one else is invited to. 

He took notes on his phone during the euros, and if Manu drinks enough, well, it isn’t pretty but it’s more truthful than asking.

“Not really?” Leon tries to shake him off, but Jo holds on.

“Serge noticed, so I noticed, and I’m sure Thomas noticed, so it’ll eventually get to our fearless leader.” And once it got to Manu, it would be an awkward not talking to for Leon with beer and bad music.

He turns to face him, supporting his arms back against the sink and Jo doesn’t let up, keeping him there, his hands right next to his on the lip of the counter. Jo doesn’t look disappointed, just concerned for him and whatever has gotten him into this funk. Leon looks down to a spot on the floor. 

“Leroy was more Max’s friend than mine.” He starts. 

“Okay,” Jo says neutrally.

“I told Max, you know, he was one of the first to know it was official, that I was going to Bayern. I got the news and it was all settled and I knew I had to tell him, right after my family. Max was-” It feels like he’s trying to conjure a spirit, for all that he knows Max is alive and semi-well in England. It still feels like a haunting.

“Max was that important to me, and I was so angry about everything, running down his contract, letting him go to the premier league. It was just- Leroy had run to Manchester City way before and Julian had finally settled into somewhere besides Schalke- Max isn’t like them. He’s like me.” He had to find someone that would believe in him, that would have enough faith to keep him on the field to show a flash of brilliance under all the dark carbon.

He needed someone to show him he had to keep chipping away through the rough.

“You loved him.” Leon looks up with his heart beating in his throat. Jo doesn’t look upset, but there is a question in his eyes. It’s the same question he saw in Leroy’s eyes at practice or what he imagined it to be.

“I did, but I don’t miss him like that. I miss my best friend.” In the end, it hadn’t been his relationship with Max that had hurt him, but his regular friendship, in growing apart, and becoming different people. 

He lays his hand across Jo’s face.

“This is different.” In so many ways, and most importantly, Bayern wasn’t hanging over them like an omen of who to be and what roles they had to play in order to be great or important.

He may have had a type, but Leon wasn’t looking for a redo.

Jo laughs in relief, it’s more of an exhale than a chuckle and Max’s ghost feels like it has less of a stranglehold on Leon, like his guilt wrapped in a complicated ball of everything has dissolved into something more manageable. 

“I know that. You obviously love me for my personality.” Jo quips. 

Leon leans in closer, foreheads not quite at the point of touching. 

“Your personality? I think Serge is more agreeable than you.” He teases him enough to make Jo puff up in indignation before shrugging. Serge was definitely the diplomat of their group. No one could resist him.

“Okay, he is, but you like it when I pick a fight and win.” Jo’s smug smile shouldn’t make Leon feel like a teenager with his first crush but he hasn’t found a better alternative yet beyond giving into the urge to kiss him.

Leon shakes his head, “you pick fights even when you don’t know you’ll win.”

“I win the most important ones.” He tilts his chin up. Leon isn’t something to be won, and Max isn’t even in the competition anymore, but he gets it. Jo won’t stop fighting even if it’s just Leon’s thoughts against himself. A noble cause for an equally stubborn boy. Jo’s eyes wander down and Leon can’t keep a single thought in his head. 

“And anyway, that’s why I have you,” Jo’s voice is low and warm. 

“What?” He’s thoroughly distracted now with Jo’s hands trailing across his clothes and under them. 

“That’s why I have you, to back me up, be the muscle.” Leon shivers as Jo touches him. The advantages of spending those first couple of months in self-isolation working out had overall improved his endurance and strength but had an unintended consequence of Jo complimenting him over it and goading him into stupid ideas.

“Yeah, you love me for my body.” Leon grins because it’s not even close to the truth, not really, and that was an improvement from some of his more shallow relationships. 

“Among other things,” Jo says before stealing a kiss and basically climbing on him. 

“Carry me to bed and I’ll show you.”


End file.
